I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
