now i know why i became what i already was.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
