I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
