I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
