he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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