If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
