I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
