Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize