i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
