I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize