chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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