i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
