Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
