ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
