i permit you to call me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
