Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
