Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
