Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You took a bar mat shot.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
