you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
