guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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