Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
