I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
