Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
