smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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