life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wish you could order shots online.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I wish there were birth control emojis
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
