a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
