then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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