Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
