Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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