if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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