i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
