I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
