when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
