My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
