absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
