Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
