Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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