My hand turned me down
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
