Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
