Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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