our cab driver is having phone sex.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
