I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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