It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
