I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
