don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
smell my finger.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
