Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
