Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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