Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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