Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize
