R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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