Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I lost the right to judge tonight
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
