I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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