The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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