We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
