how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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