My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize