the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
