It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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