Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
