If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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