dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
